It's been a while

Sjoe it's been quite a few months that I posted! I have an excuse I have been sooo hectically busy and missed all my OPM friends! Hardly had time to go on and now the holidays has dawned upon me and I welcome it with open arms. It has seriously been a very long year and a busy one indeed, many hurdles crossed and with pride I can say managed to overcome them. I have pillars of strength in my life for that I am truly Thankful. I would just like to take this time to wish everyone a Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year and 2010 is almost here! Here's to a wonderful year ahead and we pray for happy things!

It's been a while.......

..... since I last posted, but I am happy to report that I am dealing with my IVF disappointment quite well thanks to all the support from OPM and other family and friends and ja the workload has doubled too so it gave me less time to think. But on a serious note, I have really dealt with this IVF failure much better than the first and yet I thought I handled that one! Ya right!!! More like I was in denial! But anyway, DH and I are spending some wonderful quality time and I must say it is a huge relief not to think about IVF (injections, blood, follies), stressing about this on a dialy basis! I have taken control of my life again and I am living it up until next year. It is so wonderful not having to think about ttc'ing for a while, I forgot what it feels like to be sane. My family has really been wonderful and my OPM friends are still wonderful everyday, I never thought I would have this many friends at the same time in my life which I care so much about! THANK YOU GIRLS!!!!!!

Egg retrieval

So I have finally reached this stage of my IVF, and yes to my dissappointment there were no eggs in the follicles. 12 Follicles and not one eggie!!! I have so many questions running through my head and not one answer? This is where the "Why" creeps in and takes over my entire thoughts. I am so sad and don't know what to think anymore. There is always something wrong. Will I ever be a mom, I am afraid of hoping and afraid of giving up! You cry and cry but what does it help, all those tears what for???? Is the a test of Faith? I really don't know, all I know is this is very difficult for me at this stage. Where do we go from here? Does this mean I do not have any eggs? GOD please help me understand this!

Follies update

After going for numerous scans and being on day 14 of Menopur, FS decided not to increase meds to avoid overstimulating. Good news is I have 4 growing follies and many smaller ones measuring 10mm (that was on Wednesday). So my next scan is tomorrow and praying that there might be more follies that decided to grow up and make me a mommy and I am so praying that the ones that are fighting to be the last embaby standing grow and mature beautifully for me! I am sooooo nervous because if all goes well tomorrow I might trigger soon and this means I will be going for ER this time, I so don't want to jinx this but everything seems positive, dr is quite happy with how things worked out, he said the smaller follies might not grow but we will see on Friday! So I am excited, uncomfortable and scared sh#tless at the same time. But I am leaving this in the Almighty's hands, only HE will know if it is my time! I will be sad but I know I serve a great God and HE knows when the right time is! To my OPM cycle buddy Eve, I am praying for you my friend that your embabies stick and make you the happiest woman on earth! Here is the lots of OPM BFP's!!!!!!!

My First Follies scan

This is the day that made me soooooo nervous, I have quite a few follies again. Less than last time which is good, so I will be staying on 1amp Menopur for today and tomorrow and then go back for a second scan on Thursday. I am so nervous because I fear that my cycle could be cancelled again, but I feel positive about this one. This is really emotional rollercoaster but I know in the end it will be all worthwhile when we hold that bundle of joy in your arms!!!! I just pray that the Almighty blesses us with a Little one or two! To everyone else trying I am praying for you guys!

And finally she is here!!!

Can you believe she has finally made her appearance in all her hormonal glory. Yep on my 4 year anniversary! Should I take this as a sign, that's me always looking for a sign and wondering..... but ja she is here and I am oh so happy. Menopur here I come, so I will probably starting on my birthday, which is on Friday another sign? I surely hope so!!! Anyway me and DH didn't really celebrate much today because it is Ramadaan but we did exchange a few meaningful words and just reflected on how much we have accomplished together as a couple and how much we love each other! So now it is back to those darn needles hey, sjoe what a way to make a baby! What happen to plain love making, did we forget how to make babies or are we just not doing it right anymore! So Evie dear I am back on board will be calling FS tomorrow just to confirm when to start!!!!!! Whhooooohoooooooo!!!!!!! Let's make babies!

Still waiting......

...... for AF! She was suppose to arrive on Friday, she is a no show, nothing nada. So patiently I await her arrival so I can start with stims. Went for bloods on Friday, FS called to say hormones are not completely suppressed so we need to wait for the wicked witch, if she is a no show then I will have to go back for bloods on Friday. I starting to develop a phobia for needles, can you believe it. Worked at a lab, use to volunteer to give bloods for test runs on the machine but here I am starting to develop a phobia, my experience on friday was me sitting on the chair cringing while dr searches for a vein (as usual) and anticipating that needle entering my arm and missing the vein, lucky for me he is such a good doctor he always finds a vein! So I will just get over my this! And this is where I am at his moment in my life!

Journey: IVF no. 2

So here we find ourselves again on this emotional rollercoaster. This is a really tough journey but ready for it! I am soooooo ready to become a mom and I am being sooo positive thanks to the support of wonderful friends. Thanks ladies you have become more than friends, you have become my pillar of strength. Eve my friend you are in my prayers and I am glad I am embarking this journey with you, and in the end with the Grace of the Almighty we will be blessed! So now we are waiting on the Evil witch to raise her evil head and then it's Menopur!

Almost there.....

So I find myself counting the days again, no sure which one I want to keeping track of EXAMS or IVF. Geez I always end up having these two important events at the same time!!!!! Don't really mind. May month was a successful month for my Exams, IVF unsuccessful!!!! August I am hoping to make a killing, passing two subjects and getting a BFP, hopefully with the twins. WHooooohooooo we are being very optimistic but it is exactly the medicine I need. I believe that the Almighty will bless us with our BFP BFP BFP. This month our HOLY month of RAMADAAN starts and I will be on my knees everyday of the month and will be praying for our miracle to happen, and OPM ladies you guys will definitely be in prayers as well because each and everyone of us deserves the chance to become mothers and wonderful mothers we will be. EVE my friend you are number one on my list, I pray that your IVF is successful and you finally find the joy of motherhood, both you and me together!!! So ladies here's to us.............. praying that 2009 ends fruitful for all the angels on OPM.

It's back again......

Fear..... excitement, I have no idea, but I find myself feeling flustered sometimes....... this journey has had me through so many emotions and at the moment it is thrilling, agonising, nerveracking all in one. Gosh I am trying so hard not to think about it but it is so damn difficult. I find myself counting the days everyday, checking when will ER take place, when will ET take place, damn!!!!! All I know is my heart keeps on breaking when a family member or a friend is pregnant and when I hear a child say "mommy" I feel those tears welling up in my eyes, my thoughts always "will I ever hear those words". I go on everyday pretending that life is normal, i work, I try and be a great wife and that is it. I strive to become a mother and a damn good one but will I ever get the chance to be a mom, I few weeks ago I was sooooo positive, not that I am negative but this journey has so many emotions going at the same time it's just damn crazy that we are all still sane! I consider myself a fairly emotional strong person but ladies that has been tried and tested and I promise you ladies this is tough!!!! I pray that this IVF would be my BFP and that I can be the MOM I longed to be. I pray that all the ladies that are travelling this tough road that you will get that amazing BFP and a healthy pregnancy. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!

AF has finally arrived

Sjoe can you imagine being this excited that AF has arrived and you are trying to conceive? Well this chick is soooooo over the moon because that means it is all systems go for IVF no.2! I am being calm very rational and soooooooo excited to have my handsome Husband stick that needle into my fat belly!!! Whooooohoooooo!!!!!!! I just hope and pray that this would be the start of our new journey! I remember the tears I shed with the last IVF and I think of my renewed HOPE with my 2nd IVF and everything just feels different.

I was really at a crossroads for a good few weeks. I worked out in my mind when the whole process will start because the little experience I gained with my 1st IVF, and to my shock the ER would coincide with my Exams that I am writing in August! So l was left with the painful choice of either postponing my IVF or my EXAMS. And as most of you know both of these are very important to me, how do I decide. I started plotting: Go on BCP and prolong AF so that it can start a bit late, but just now it messes up something for me then what? Sjoe it was tough tough tough, and I thought why is is never easy for me?????

So then ladies I just felt this one I am leaving in the Almighty's hands and HE will steer me in the right direction, if AF starts on the 14th then I will have to cancel either one of the two. And thank the Almighty Above, HE IS THE GREATEST, my AF arrived on the 23rd! So it will not clash with my exams at all and I can stop stressing! To me that is a positive sign! So I am ready to start the journey again on the 14th August!

Blessings!!!!

Tick tick tick......

I am patiently waiting for AF to come! Once AF starts it is all systems go for our 2nd IVF and let me tell you I am all psyched. I am oozing with positivity and I have emotionally preparing for this journey again. Never ever in my life growing up did I ever think that this would be the way I would be conceiving a baby but I am so excited to embark on this journey again and let me tell you I am soooooo ready to be a mom. So come on let's make an IVF baby or two and let's journey the world of parenthood and enjoy the miracle of LIFE! I pray that the Almighty bless us with the most precious gift of LIFE, a little miracle or two. So I am ready to see what the next month or two has in store for me! Let's hope we get the best Anniversary gift, and DH an extra special Birthday gift for his birthday cos he is soooo ready for Fatherhood too. I pray that I can give him the biggest gift ever!

I feel like I am at a crossroads

Here I am again on Saturday all alone, damn this becoming a habit! At the moment I am waiting for AF to start for our 2nd IVF to commence. I have been very patient trying to deal with things as they come, but I feel when one takes another perspective on life and try the whole patience thing it gets even harder, our patience are tested and so is our Faith. I do not wanna lose Faith because it took me very long to have reached this point in my life. So while trying not to focus on ttc'ing so much I feel I need my husband to be here for me to get through this and just make the road a bit easier, but no he has to run off to help his father everytime. I am frustrated and feel that even though I love him very much I can no longer go on this way, someone else always needs him more than I do. What am I doing wrong, I work, I study and I try to make time for us but I have to wait when he is done helping everyone else. What do I do? I can no longer continue this way, I am at the point where I feel like throwing in the towel, what is the use of starting a family if there are so many issues that will never change, is that the reason why we do not have a family yet? Is this a sign from God that we are not ready to be parents yet and we need to sort out the issues in our life, I don't know! I know life isn't easy, I get that, but where does one draw the line? I feel like crying because this makes me so unhappy,, I feel like crying because I am not a mother yet and I feel like crying because I am so confuse. I want sooo much to be a mother, but if things goes on the way it does at the moment I won't be able to survive in this marriage. He is a wonderful husband but he cannot say no, and if he does, 10 minutes later he will call back and say ok he will do it because he feels guilty. What about me? Where is the guilty feeling when I am left at home until he done doing whatever he has to and then just tell me come we going out and I have to be ok and just go and enjoy myself. This is really really hard for me cos this man is the love of my life but when does he draw the line?

Emotions

So here I am again writing on my blog. I have been sitting here and wondering, how do we really deal with this whole ttc'ing, yes we have people that supports us and prays for you and motivates you, but when it comes down to the crunch I sit here and sometimes just feel sorry for myself (let's not forget I hate self pity) but it is so hard not to feel sorry for yourself. I have realised that I am 30 years almost 31 and no children, sometimes it sounds like that is all we think about but come on give me a break, I have the right to feel all those emotions every women feels when they hold their babies for the first time in their arms and explain how it was love at first sight. I want to feel that, I want to look down on something that I know I am so proud of it, the one thing I have done right in my life and no one will ever be able to take that away. I have this little empty space in my heart that gets bigger and bigger as the years pass. Yes I love my husband very much, he is my best friend, but us to produce a little precious that is a part of both of us. I always believed that I was a strong person I will be able to deal with this whole fertility thing because I had to deal with so many shit in my life, but let me tell you that doesn't remotely compare to this journey and I am sure most you will agree with me. We try to go on with our daily lives but it is hard most of us live in a cyber home called OPM because that is the only place we feel we belong amongst the ladies who understands your pain, your longing and your obsession. We eat, breathe and live with this strong urge and longing to become a parent. Some of us have become friends even in the real world because you feel safer amongst those who understand you the most and where you can speak freely to someone who can relate to what you are going through and not just there and say "shame" the whole time and not have a cooking clue what you going through. This road is hard and it is a bumpy road but I have to stay positive because that is the only thing that keeps me from staying sane, and obviously all the Pregnancies on OPM which gives me HOPE. I sometimes find it hard to focus on my career, I wrote to exams in May,they same time we embarked on our 1st IVF and for the life of me I have no idea how I made it through those two subjects but I did and I have to give myself a pat on the back, I aced both of them. I got for both subjects 82 & 83% it is damn big accomplishment, but I find it hard to enjoy that moment ladies because I am successful in my career and studies, but at fertility I suck big time and that is the hardest thing to deal with. I guess we can't have it all right! Anyway enough of me sulking!

Sometimes I wonder

Here I am sitting at home all alone, yes DH has gone to his dad early this morning to help him. You know what makes me angry is that for the past 3 Saturdays he had something to do so I spend my Saturday alone, but I have decided that he should do as he pleases he is a grown man! This sounds so childish I know but there is a lot of history there and I don't even want to get started.

Back to me, I was wondering how my life will be when I am a mother, I have been thinking of a nursery, how I will react, my cats, my DH and our family when we become parents. For 4 years it was just us and soon I pray to GOD soon we could become parents. Do you ever wonder if you are really ready for this, will you be a good mom, will you know what to do, cos this little life depends on you to make the right decisions for him/her and to feed them when they are hungry. Sometimes I just go into this panic attack and I am not even pregnant yet! Ai Life is hard sometimes. Anyway I will go on and dream the dream of becoming a mom and whether I will be good mother, all I can promise right now is that I will love my baby/ies with all my heart.

Emotional Rollercoaster of IVF

So we started our first IVF on 18 May and it ended on Sunday 7 June, our first IVF cancelled cycle, I haven't even reached my first official 2ww, it was really sad for us. I cried so much I never knew that I will feel this much pain. I think it was more dissappointment than anything else because everything was going so well. My ovaries were functioning perfectly and I was so proud of them because for once in my life they were performing at their peak and making me proud. Don't get me wrong I am not blaming my ovaries but as most of you ladies know my history, when my body starts working for me it is a miracle and I thank God for that, so now it seems as if it letting me down cos my E2 dropped to "boot level" as my FS put it.

So then we met with our FS yesterday and he is such a sweetie, he explained the whole process to us why it was cancelled as well as the complications involved, I was quite astounded by this discovery. These doctors are really miracle workers, I take my hat off to them. So bottom line is I have wonderful ovaries and they are really working at their peak to make me a mommy, so because they are so amazing with my next IVF cycle they will have to start me on a lower dose of Menopur because I respond so well to the medication. So my body is letting me down after all it seems that they are just as excited as I am to be a mommy. My FS says he will do everything in his power to get me a positive result. Thank you for all the support and kind words, I really have an amazing support system, friends on OPM, my inlaws as well as my own family, you guys don't know how much your support to me.

My Journey to Motherhood

To all my readers, I have neglected my blog for a while that is because I have been so occuppied with everything else. So I will call this my journey to motherhood, hopefully at the end of this I will be a mommy, hoping to be first time lucky!!!! You see my journey of injecting, mood swings, blood tests and ultrasounds has officially started, IVF might not have been the way I dreamt conceiving a baby a couple years ago but it will be the way I will receive my blessing, a few curve balls in life has lead us down this road of emotional rollercoaster rides, but thanking the Lord above I have the biggest support system many women can only dream of but I am living it, OPM is where the most important women in my life are, they visit on a daily basis and they guide each other through life's toughest decision and when life takes a u-turn they are there every step of the way. Which ever way this might go they will be there with me every step of the way. This IVF has been postponed so many times and now finally a year later it is here and I am so excited, scared but I just want to enjoy this journey and share it with my friends on "OPM".

The countdown Begins

So it is around the corner and I have mixed emotions, the fear of the unknown. Monday is my first visit to my FS, early morning and to top it all I am writing exams that day! How lucky, but my treatment officially starts next week Thurs/Friday so I am excited and nervous at the same time. The hightlight of my week is the OPM lunch which takes place this Saturday yeah. I am so excited, I can't wait to meet the ladies ooooh hoooo. Well I guess I have a lot of emotions flying around but at the moment the excitement is more dominant at the moment. Next week is crunch time! Please keep us in your prayers I really really want this to be a BFP for us. I pray that God bless us and all you wonderful ladies on OPM.

IVF at last!!!!

It still feels so unreal, for 3 year and 5 months we have been waiting for this moment..... our first moment, first attempt at a family. To the average person out there this would sound weird but in the infertile world this is what we are accustomed, waiting, more waiting, anxiety and heartache, but somewhere in the equation we should have joy! I think this is our time of joy, we are starting our first IVF attempt next month and it feels like everything is falling into place even though we know the odds, we are over the moon. It has been a difficult 3 years for us but our love has carried us through and it will carry us through this as well. To see the joy in husbands eyes when he speaks about it, I cannot explain it. I will not give up until I am a mom and my husband is a dad. That is my promise to myself and I pray that God blesses us with our little bundle of joy! OPM you have been by my side through all the bad times as well as the good and without you I would have lost my mind. Thank you for always supporting me and for all the guidance, you have become apart of my family and I love you all!

New Hope

For a while now I have really given up, for the past three months things have really not been looking up for me. Last week wednesday I just broke down because I really don't know how much more I could take. I knew this would be a difficult road to travel but I haven't even started properly and yet there are so many things wrong with me. Everytime we go to hospital all excited to embark on the new journey of IVF, once again we are sent back home further from our dream than what we started a couple of months ago?! So I was at a crossroad, I felt desperate, for the first time in my life I actually felt sorry for my self. Self pity, it's the pits and I was not gonna resort to that, oh hell no! So with the help of my loving husband I get my act together and tell myself, "what must be will be" (actually convincing myself). So the friday we go back and this time I have given up hope completely I am just there to get my results and whatever. To my surprise everything is looking great and yes, wait for it........ we can start IVF! Yipppppeeeeee, but first this lady has to lose 5 kilo's, so yes I am sweating *@SS off and I will lose that 5 kilo's as fast I can because I am so excited just to start the IVF journey. I know that I might be dissappointed but I am a step closer to my goal. And that is to become a "Mother".

The dream is always out of reach

So finally I go back to my FS after deciding not to proceed with the operation (I just feel that it is not the right time) and now there is something else wrong with me so I have to go for more tests. Who thought going for IVF can become so complicated, I thought we decide we go and we proceed, but let me tell you ladies who are all struggling out there this is a huge highway we travel along and the destination is far, but we must always believe that we will reach that destination. I think I will get me a GARMIN so that I can find my way to that destination. I promise you ladies that I will not give up on my dream of becoming a mother, that is my GIFT from GOD and I want it!!!! I will give up the day I became menopausal as GOD is my witness, HE created us strong individuals and I believe my cross is not too much for me to carry.

2009 is here!

So my new year started out well this year and I feel confident that this will be a great year for my Husband and I. In 2 months I will have to go for the dreaded op but I have my husband by my side and that is all I need. I feel life has dealt me a bad hand but this year I feel is better, I can feel it emotionally. I feel like I have evolved in a woman and that I am all grown up, sounds silly I know but that is just how my body feels. Weird!!!! I guess that I have put myself in this positive state and that I am doing everything possible to help with becoming a mommy this year that if I fail I will know that I have done everything in power to help the process and that it is God will. 2009 I have welcomed you with open arms, I am not expecting the word, Lord all I ask of you is to make me a mommy! Amen