The Whole 9 yards

My Emotions 1 Day until testing

2011-06-07T09:00:00.002+02:00

Last night while praying I made peace with whatever happens tomorrow. It is difficult to think that it could be a BFN and soooo exciting to think that I could actually get that long awaited BFP tomorrow. When I prayed last night I handed it all to the Almighty and I will accept whatever the outcome will be tomorrow and I am at peace with that.

Testing in two days

2011-06-06T12:25:00.003+02:00

Still have my sanity but that is definitely debatable. I am trying to stay positive and have Faith. I have been really overwhelmed by all the support I have received over the past 2 -3 weeks now, it has really been my pillar of strength. I feel so loved and cared for it's just amazing and most of my support system I have never ever ever met in my life, but they have become my best friends over the past few years and each year I feel more blessed than the year before. I just hope that one (hopefully soon) I get to meet each one of the ladies who have been so great, so caring and so supportive to me, not just now, but through this whole journey of fertility. This rollercoaster has been a hell of journey and hopefully soon I pray I will be getting off for a while! Hahahahahaha it will probably be the happiest day in our life together. I feel so blessed to be so loved. Thank you Thank You , you all know who you are and I just hope one day I will be able to return the favour.

7dp2dt and Stressing

2011-06-03T11:18:00.002+02:00

I will be testing in 5 Days time and I am starting to stress again, I was so calm and positive the past week and now that anxiety of failure has returned, the 2ww sucks big time and really messes with ones emotions. At the moment I am have strong AF like cramps and lower back pain and it feels like AF is going to start any time soon now, running to the loo every few minutes to check if AF has started. Ai ja what can I do but wait and wait and wait................. I want to stay positive this time around but ja what can I say!

The Long Wait

2011-06-02T07:48:00.002+02:00

This is not the best place to be at all, but I am trying to stay sane. I have enjoyed endless support from my dear friends through this very challenging and hair raising time. I just pray that our Creator will shine upon us and bless us abundantly for we are finally 100% committed to being parents both DH and I and for the first time since I started this journey I am not afraid of becoming a mother, I am excited to learn the new things the new journey could possibly bring into my life. Counting the days to 8th June and pray that it be the second best day of my life (the first being the day I married my husband who is truly a gift from GOD).

2011 Hoping for new Beginnings

2011-01-18T21:12:00.002+02:00

It is unbelievable, 2011 is creeped up on me soooo fast, but I welcome it with open arms. 2010 has been ........ well a fascinating year, and with the grace of God most of us made it to 2011 with our health and many blessings to be grateful for. I pray that this year will be even more blessed for many people in my life.

2011 comes to me with no new years resolutions and no great expectations only with belief in our Almighty and thankfulness for every blessing I have received in my life for the past 32 years. Life is full of surprises and it's how we deal with those surprises that determines our true happiness in life. My wish for 2011 is to be a good wife, daughter, sister and aunt but most of to be a humble servant to our Almighty for He bestows blessings upon us each and everyday, sometimes we are just to blind to see. So here is to a great 2011 and I say Thank you for always being my friend!

Bad Blogger

2010-10-06T21:16:00.003+02:00

I have been a really bad blogger this year, even though has been so many things happening in my life this year. This has been an interesting year in life personally and professionally. On the ttc'ing front nothing really happening, good thing is that I have a regular 28 day cycle. My next appointment is on the 24 November, also writing exams on this day. We are hoping to start our 4th IVF in January, hoping and praying that we get the all clear in November. I guess that is all for now!

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T20:06:00.002+02:00

Yes to some this is a beautiful day to celebrate all the moms and the sacrifices etc etc. and for some of us this is a very tough day to get through because it is another year passing by and a reminder where you fail in the Fertility. Some reading this right now might think "what a drama queen" but believe me ladies this aint easy and many reading this right now knows exactly what I am speaking about. I do accept a lot of things but it does not mean that it is easy. So yes this is my 4th Failed Mothers Day and it makes me sad, this year my husband made it a bit bearable and for that I thank you MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND! I love you with all my heart, you are my sanity!

Back and Forth

2010-04-29T21:58:00.002+02:00

That is how I feel my emotions are sometimes, just when you think that you have reached a point of acceptance, then you stumble and you reach an all time low again. We fight battles everyday of our life and believe me we fight hard and we are triumphant, but there are some battles that breaks us down and you just want to raise that white flag and surrender, but if I surrender I will be giving up on the one thing I have fought so hard for and the one thing each women is entitled to "motherhood". And I ask the question: "Will I ever know the true meaning of motherhood", the answer only God knows and then I tell myself "GOD will provide". It still does not heal the heart completely for I walk everyday with that feeling of "childlessness". When you utter those words, it stabs right through the heart. You walk in a mall and all you see are pregnant women and you feel like never leaving the house, not because you are jealous but for crying out loud, you fighting this battle which is emotionally draining, but do I really have to face so many pregnant women, every freaking second women is pregnant, and I kid you not that is really how it is. Ladies I am not a hater believe me, but for fuck sake one's heart can only handle that much. Sometimes I feel like screaming from the top of my lungs "Please God tell me what to do" and then I feel guilty because I know I am being selfish and I know I am being ungrateful and then I start counting my blessing and you know what AND THEN LIFE GOES ON! Sad but true, we learn to live with the sadness because for one sadness we have 10 blessings! Thank you Almighty for all my Blessings you have bestowed on me today!

Life

2010-04-07T14:58:00.002+02:00

I have been through a very difficult time these couple of weeks without knowing how much has been weighing on my shoulders. My marriage has been under threat which brought me to a total meltdown. Life as I knew it would change forever for me, which way forward at the time for me was completely unknown which scared the crap out of me. My husband has been my whole life for the longest time, my pillar of strength, my lover, my friend and most of all THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. For years I lived in a bubble, a bubble I created because of messed up childhood. Scary part I never ever realised it and it almost destroyed the one thing that means the world to me, my marriage. I have been through many trials and tribulations in my life but the one battle I will fight to the end is for my Marriage. My husband loves me dearly and I him, but sometimes ladies we are too blind to see how we live life and how we mirror the past. I finally broke that mirror after 16 years. I will not live in the reflection of my past, I will thank the Almighty for a new day, and a new life for my life has started now because my eyes has opened to the mistakes I made throughout my life because of my painful childhood and most of my adulthood, but I will not let this take over my life because I have found true happiness. I know that I will be blessed with my own family soon and I need to live for the present and forget the past. Here is to the new book of my life that has started just but a couple of days ago. We serve a wonderful God/Allah, He shows us the way in so many ways it is for us to open our eyes to the light.

D-Day

2010-03-26T10:15:00.002+02:00

OMW I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown. In Heavens name please tell me why they make us wait so long? I am freaking out big time. I don't know if I should be positive or negative at this moment in time all I know is that it is TORTURE! Please let me out of my misery, either way today BFP or BFN I am going to tjank cos this has really been a long long wait. Thank you ladies for all your prayers and support!

IVF Meltdown

2010-03-24T08:48:00.002+02:00

So last night I had my first meltdown. I am now at 7dp5dt and I think it has just taken it's toll on me. Also on of my fellow OPM ladies who started her IVF same day as I had her transfer a few days before me and she got sad news yesterday of her BFN. When I read her post my heart just sank and it dawned on me that this could happen to me to and now I am scared, so yesterday I was soooo distracted because I kinda felt her pain and it has brought on a new set of fear. So last night DH noticed how distracted I was and begged me to speak to him about my feelings and I just broke down and spoke to him about my fears. I have the most amazing and supportive husband, he put his arms around me and wiped away my tears and told me "It will always be me and you, no matter what happens, I am here for you and we will do this together". He also said that we must have Faith until we get our results and then I can cry. So I realised that I should have Faith and that if it doesn't happen for us this time "Then it is just not our time yet" his words too. My husband is a wiseman but most of all he is just wonderful and supportive and I know with him by my side we can get through anything. I have also had tremendous support from my Cyber friends, it has just been amazing and I don't know how to thank all of you, but you are just amazing. Friday is D-day for us and until then I will take it easy and trust that all will be Okay!

My First ET

2010-03-17T15:18:00.002+02:00

So today was the big ET. This could be the first day of the rest of our lives. I am not sure how I feel yet but I know that this could change our life forever and I never been so ready in my life. I pray that we will be Blessed, we have been through a tough two IVF's, this one has been more a walk in the park and it really felt so much better. I have enjoyed this IVF more and took it day by day and now I have to embies implanted in womb and hope that those embies stick and feel right at home! So I have entered the dreaded 2ww and will be testing next week Friday! What a way to start the weekend, either way it will determine what kind of weekend we will be having. I am positive and believe that this could be it for us, and then that nasty little voice creeps and reminds me of my previous IVF's! Life!

Today was my long awaited ER

2010-03-12T16:35:00.003+02:00

This is the one day I dreaded for sooo long, it felt like dejavu today lying on that bed in theatre staring at the ceiling and all these people around me. I must say this time that anesthetic felt like it took forever and then suddenly I felt my eyes start rolling, all I heard the Dr say is keep your eyes open for as long as you can, and then I was gone. OMW it was really terrifying for me, praying all the while that I will get some eggies out of these poor overworked ovaries. I must say that I am very proud of them, they produces 10 follies where 17mm, 18mm, 19mm. In total they retrieved 6 eggs which I am so proud of, some might think they are little my FS said they would want to get between 5 - 8 and so I gave them 6 :) and I am so proud of these ovaries cos they did not let me down this time around. So now we are praying that all of them Fertilise and produce some beautiful embabies. I have received so much support from soooo many wonderful friends and family. Without that support I don't know where I would have been throughout this IVF cycle. Thank you for always supporting me!!! I have never seen DH smile so much to see me when I wake up looking like the Bride of Frankenstein, me as usual made a complete poephol of myself, cos one of the theatre sisters told me that I spoke while I was under and just before I came around but lucky for me they could not make out what I was saying! So the praying continues for those eggies to fertilise so that we can have beautiful embabies to put back and grow for Mommy!

Tomorrow Day 6 scan

2010-03-02T14:39:00.002+02:00

So I am now on day 5 of Menopur and tomorrow will be my first bloods and scan. Sjoe I pray that this time everything just goes smoothly. Not nervous yet but it will probably happen in the morning! I feel some movements in the left ovary but I could be imagining it! Let's see what the scan shows tomorrow!

IVF Journey no.3

2010-02-22T07:44:00.003+02:00

So I have started with my 3rd IVF, had my Zoladex shot last week Wednesday, have a nice purple/blue bruise to prove it. This time I am dealing with my IVF so differently, I won't say that I am prepared for everything but I think this time I more aware of what can go wrong. I don't believe you can ever be prepared for these treatments because no matter what we say when we start this journey we believe that we will end with a baby in our arms nine months later. That is what I believed both times, this time too, but this time I started my IVF with positive energy. I took a 3 month break and had enough time to think about this whole journey and so far I have really just taken it one step and one day at a time and it feels great. This time I pray that the journey will end successful. I have Faith and Trust in our God/Allah and know that He will Bless us!

Terrible Blogger

2010-01-20T20:13:00.002+02:00

It has been a while since I wrote on blog. Let me take this opportunity to congratulate all the new moms and the new preggie ladies. Your dreams and wishes has come true.

I have started on my journey on IVF number 3 and I am all excited and happy again. I pray that 2010 will be our year and that we will be blessed with our little bundle of Joy. I have Faith and Believe our Merciful God sees our pain and all in His time. I pray that our time is now, if not I will pray for strength and start all over again! With the support of my Fellow TTC, Preggie, Mommies etc. I will make it through.

It's been a while

2009-12-15T20:25:00.002+02:00

Sjoe it's been quite a few months that I posted! I have an excuse I have been sooo hectically busy and missed all my OPM friends! Hardly had time to go on and now the holidays has dawned upon me and I welcome it with open arms. It has seriously been a very long year and a busy one indeed, many hurdles crossed and with pride I can say managed to overcome them. I have pillars of strength in my life for that I am truly Thankful. I would just like to take this time to wish everyone a Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year and 2010 is almost here! Here's to a wonderful year ahead and we pray for happy things!

It's been a while.......

2009-10-13T16:00:00.002+02:00

..... since I last posted, but I am happy to report that I am dealing with my IVF disappointment quite well thanks to all the support from OPM and other family and friends and ja the workload has doubled too so it gave me less time to think. But on a serious note, I have really dealt with this IVF failure much better than the first and yet I thought I handled that one! Ya right!!! More like I was in denial! But anyway, DH and I are spending some wonderful quality time and I must say it is a huge relief not to think about IVF (injections, blood, follies), stressing about this on a dialy basis! I have taken control of my life again and I am living it up until next year. It is so wonderful not having to think about ttc'ing for a while, I forgot what it feels like to be sane. My family has really been wonderful and my OPM friends are still wonderful everyday, I never thought I would have this many friends at the same time in my life which I care so much about! THANK YOU GIRLS!!!!!!

Egg retrieval

2009-09-14T15:36:00.002+02:00

So I have finally reached this stage of my IVF, and yes to my dissappointment there were no eggs in the follicles. 12 Follicles and not one eggie!!! I have so many questions running through my head and not one answer? This is where the "Why" creeps in and takes over my entire thoughts. I am so sad and don't know what to think anymore. There is always something wrong. Will I ever be a mom, I am afraid of hoping and afraid of giving up! You cry and cry but what does it help, all those tears what for???? Is the a test of Faith? I really don't know, all I know is this is very difficult for me at this stage. Where do we go from here? Does this mean I do not have any eggs? GOD please help me understand this!

Follies update

2009-09-10T12:22:00.002+02:00

After going for numerous scans and being on day 14 of Menopur, FS decided not to increase meds to avoid overstimulating. Good news is I have 4 growing follies and many smaller ones measuring 10mm (that was on Wednesday). So my next scan is tomorrow and praying that there might be more follies that decided to grow up and make me a mommy and I am so praying that the ones that are fighting to be the last embaby standing grow and mature beautifully for me! I am sooooo nervous because if all goes well tomorrow I might trigger soon and this means I will be going for ER this time, I so don't want to jinx this but everything seems positive, dr is quite happy with how things worked out, he said the smaller follies might not grow but we will see on Friday! So I am excited, uncomfortable and scared sh#tless at the same time. But I am leaving this in the Almighty's hands, only HE will know if it is my time! I will be sad but I know I serve a great God and HE knows when the right time is! To my OPM cycle buddy Eve, I am praying for you my friend that your embabies stick and make you the happiest woman on earth! Here is the lots of OPM BFP's!!!!!!!

My First Follies scan

2009-09-01T21:40:00.003+02:00

This is the day that made me soooooo nervous, I have quite a few follies again. Less than last time which is good, so I will be staying on 1amp Menopur for today and tomorrow and then go back for a second scan on Thursday. I am so nervous because I fear that my cycle could be cancelled again, but I feel positive about this one. This is really emotional rollercoaster but I know in the end it will be all worthwhile when we hold that bundle of joy in your arms!!!! I just pray that the Almighty blesses us with a Little one or two! To everyone else trying I am praying for you guys!

And finally she is here!!!

2009-08-25T21:13:00.002+02:00

Can you believe she has finally made her appearance in all her hormonal glory. Yep on my 4 year anniversary! Should I take this as a sign, that's me always looking for a sign and wondering..... but ja she is here and I am oh so happy. Menopur here I come, so I will probably starting on my birthday, which is on Friday another sign? I surely hope so!!! Anyway me and DH didn't really celebrate much today because it is Ramadaan but we did exchange a few meaningful words and just reflected on how much we have accomplished together as a couple and how much we love each other! So now it is back to those darn needles hey, sjoe what a way to make a baby! What happen to plain love making, did we forget how to make babies or are we just not doing it right anymore! So Evie dear I am back on board will be calling FS tomorrow just to confirm when to start!!!!!! Whhooooohoooooooo!!!!!!! Let's make babies!

Still waiting......

2009-08-24T21:14:00.002+02:00

...... for AF! She was suppose to arrive on Friday, she is a no show, nothing nada. So patiently I await her arrival so I can start with stims. Went for bloods on Friday, FS called to say hormones are not completely suppressed so we need to wait for the wicked witch, if she is a no show then I will have to go back for bloods on Friday. I starting to develop a phobia for needles, can you believe it. Worked at a lab, use to volunteer to give bloods for test runs on the machine but here I am starting to develop a phobia, my experience on friday was me sitting on the chair cringing while dr searches for a vein (as usual) and anticipating that needle entering my arm and missing the vein, lucky for me he is such a good doctor he always finds a vein! So I will just get over my this! And this is where I am at his moment in my life!

Journey: IVF no. 2

2009-08-16T19:00:00.002+02:00

So here we find ourselves again on this emotional rollercoaster. This is a really tough journey but ready for it! I am soooooo ready to become a mom and I am being sooo positive thanks to the support of wonderful friends. Thanks ladies you have become more than friends, you have become my pillar of strength. Eve my friend you are in my prayers and I am glad I am embarking this journey with you, and in the end with the Grace of the Almighty we will be blessed! So now we are waiting on the Evil witch to raise her evil head and then it's Menopur!

Almost there.....

2009-08-05T21:15:00.002+02:00

So I find myself counting the days again, no sure which one I want to keeping track of EXAMS or IVF. Geez I always end up having these two important events at the same time!!!!! Don't really mind. May month was a successful month for my Exams, IVF unsuccessful!!!! August I am hoping to make a killing, passing two subjects and getting a BFP, hopefully with the twins. WHooooohooooo we are being very optimistic but it is exactly the medicine I need. I believe that the Almighty will bless us with our BFP BFP BFP. This month our HOLY month of RAMADAAN starts and I will be on my knees everyday of the month and will be praying for our miracle to happen, and OPM ladies you guys will definitely be in prayers as well because each and everyone of us deserves the chance to become mothers and wonderful mothers we will be. EVE my friend you are number one on my list, I pray that your IVF is successful and you finally find the joy of motherhood, both you and me together!!! So ladies here's to us.............. praying that 2009 ends fruitful for all the angels on OPM.

It's back again......

2009-07-28T21:11:00.003+02:00

Fear..... excitement, I have no idea, but I find myself feeling flustered sometimes....... this journey has had me through so many emotions and at the moment it is thrilling, agonising, nerveracking all in one. Gosh I am trying so hard not to think about it but it is so damn difficult. I find myself counting the days everyday, checking when will ER take place, when will ET take place, damn!!!!! All I know is my heart keeps on breaking when a family member or a friend is pregnant and when I hear a child say "mommy" I feel those tears welling up in my eyes, my thoughts always "will I ever hear those words". I go on everyday pretending that life is normal, i work, I try and be a great wife and that is it. I strive to become a mother and a damn good one but will I ever get the chance to be a mom, I few weeks ago I was sooooo positive, not that I am negative but this journey has so many emotions going at the same time it's just damn crazy that we are all still sane! I consider myself a fairly emotional strong person but ladies that has been tried and tested and I promise you ladies this is tough!!!! I pray that this IVF would be my BFP and that I can be the MOM I longed to be. I pray that all the ladies that are travelling this tough road that you will get that amazing BFP and a healthy pregnancy. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!

AF has finally arrived

2009-07-24T15:27:00.003+02:00

Sjoe can you imagine being this excited that AF has arrived and you are trying to conceive? Well this chick is soooooo over the moon because that means it is all systems go for IVF no.2! I am being calm very rational and soooooooo excited to have my handsome Husband stick that needle into my fat belly!!! Whooooohoooooo!!!!!!! I just hope and pray that this would be the start of our new journey! I remember the tears I shed with the last IVF and I think of my renewed HOPE with my 2nd IVF and everything just feels different.

I was really at a crossroads for a good few weeks. I worked out in my mind when the whole process will start because the little experience I gained with my 1st IVF, and to my shock the ER would coincide with my Exams that I am writing in August! So l was left with the painful choice of either postponing my IVF or my EXAMS. And as most of you know both of these are very important to me, how do I decide. I started plotting: Go on BCP and prolong AF so that it can start a bit late, but just now it messes up something for me then what? Sjoe it was tough tough tough, and I thought why is is never easy for me?????

So then ladies I just felt this one I am leaving in the Almighty's hands and HE will steer me in the right direction, if AF starts on the 14th then I will have to cancel either one of the two. And thank the Almighty Above, HE IS THE GREATEST, my AF arrived on the 23rd! So it will not clash with my exams at all and I can stop stressing! To me that is a positive sign! So I am ready to start the journey again on the 14th August!

Blessings!!!!

2009-07-23T14:47:00.003+02:00

Tick tick tick......

2009-07-21T20:21:00.002+02:00

I am patiently waiting for AF to come! Once AF starts it is all systems go for our 2nd IVF and let me tell you I am all psyched. I am oozing with positivity and I have emotionally preparing for this journey again. Never ever in my life growing up did I ever think that this would be the way I would be conceiving a baby but I am so excited to embark on this journey again and let me tell you I am soooooo ready to be a mom. So come on let's make an IVF baby or two and let's journey the world of parenthood and enjoy the miracle of LIFE! I pray that the Almighty bless us with the most precious gift of LIFE, a little miracle or two. So I am ready to see what the next month or two has in store for me! Let's hope we get the best Anniversary gift, and DH an extra special Birthday gift for his birthday cos he is soooo ready for Fatherhood too. I pray that I can give him the biggest gift ever!

I feel like I am at a crossroads

2009-07-18T14:32:00.002+02:00

Here I am again on Saturday all alone, damn this becoming a habit! At the moment I am waiting for AF to start for our 2nd IVF to commence. I have been very patient trying to deal with things as they come, but I feel when one takes another perspective on life and try the whole patience thing it gets even harder, our patience are tested and so is our Faith. I do not wanna lose Faith because it took me very long to have reached this point in my life. So while trying not to focus on ttc'ing so much I feel I need my husband to be here for me to get through this and just make the road a bit easier, but no he has to run off to help his father everytime. I am frustrated and feel that even though I love him very much I can no longer go on this way, someone else always needs him more than I do. What am I doing wrong, I work, I study and I try to make time for us but I have to wait when he is done helping everyone else. What do I do? I can no longer continue this way, I am at the point where I feel like throwing in the towel, what is the use of starting a family if there are so many issues that will never change, is that the reason why we do not have a family yet? Is this a sign from God that we are not ready to be parents yet and we need to sort out the issues in our life, I don't know! I know life isn't easy, I get that, but where does one draw the line? I feel like crying because this makes me so unhappy,, I feel like crying because I am not a mother yet and I feel like crying because I am so confuse. I want sooo much to be a mother, but if things goes on the way it does at the moment I won't be able to survive in this marriage. He is a wonderful husband but he cannot say no, and if he does, 10 minutes later he will call back and say ok he will do it because he feels guilty. What about me? Where is the guilty feeling when I am left at home until he done doing whatever he has to and then just tell me come we going out and I have to be ok and just go and enjoy myself. This is really really hard for me cos this man is the love of my life but when does he draw the line?

Emotions

2009-07-11T18:08:00.003+02:00

So here I am again writing on my blog. I have been sitting here and wondering, how do we really deal with this whole ttc'ing, yes we have people that supports us and prays for you and motivates you, but when it comes down to the crunch I sit here and sometimes just feel sorry for myself (let's not forget I hate self pity) but it is so hard not to feel sorry for yourself. I have realised that I am 30 years almost 31 and no children, sometimes it sounds like that is all we think about but come on give me a break, I have the right to feel all those emotions every women feels when they hold their babies for the first time in their arms and explain how it was love at first sight. I want to feel that, I want to look down on something that I know I am so proud of it, the one thing I have done right in my life and no one will ever be able to take that away. I have this little empty space in my heart that gets bigger and bigger as the years pass. Yes I love my husband very much, he is my best friend, but us to produce a little precious that is a part of both of us. I always believed that I was a strong person I will be able to deal with this whole fertility thing because I had to deal with so many shit in my life, but let me tell you that doesn't remotely compare to this journey and I am sure most you will agree with me. We try to go on with our daily lives but it is hard most of us live in a cyber home called OPM because that is the only place we feel we belong amongst the ladies who understands your pain, your longing and your obsession. We eat, breathe and live with this strong urge and longing to become a parent. Some of us have become friends even in the real world because you feel safer amongst those who understand you the most and where you can speak freely to someone who can relate to what you are going through and not just there and say "shame" the whole time and not have a cooking clue what you going through. This road is hard and it is a bumpy road but I have to stay positive because that is the only thing that keeps me from staying sane, and obviously all the Pregnancies on OPM which gives me HOPE. I sometimes find it hard to focus on my career, I wrote to exams in May,they same time we embarked on our 1st IVF and for the life of me I have no idea how I made it through those two subjects but I did and I have to give myself a pat on the back, I aced both of them. I got for both subjects 82 & 83% it is damn big accomplishment, but I find it hard to enjoy that moment ladies because I am successful in my career and studies, but at fertility I suck big time and that is the hardest thing to deal with. I guess we can't have it all right! Anyway enough of me sulking!

Sometimes I wonder

2009-07-04T14:09:00.002+02:00

Here I am sitting at home all alone, yes DH has gone to his dad early this morning to help him. You know what makes me angry is that for the past 3 Saturdays he had something to do so I spend my Saturday alone, but I have decided that he should do as he pleases he is a grown man! This sounds so childish I know but there is a lot of history there and I don't even want to get started.

Back to me, I was wondering how my life will be when I am a mother, I have been thinking of a nursery, how I will react, my cats, my DH and our family when we become parents. For 4 years it was just us and soon I pray to GOD soon we could become parents. Do you ever wonder if you are really ready for this, will you be a good mom, will you know what to do, cos this little life depends on you to make the right decisions for him/her and to feed them when they are hungry. Sometimes I just go into this panic attack and I am not even pregnant yet! Ai Life is hard sometimes. Anyway I will go on and dream the dream of becoming a mom and whether I will be good mother, all I can promise right now is that I will love my baby/ies with all my heart.

Emotional Rollercoaster of IVF

2009-06-10T07:40:00.002+02:00

So we started our first IVF on 18 May and it ended on Sunday 7 June, our first IVF cancelled cycle, I haven't even reached my first official 2ww, it was really sad for us. I cried so much I never knew that I will feel this much pain. I think it was more dissappointment than anything else because everything was going so well. My ovaries were functioning perfectly and I was so proud of them because for once in my life they were performing at their peak and making me proud. Don't get me wrong I am not blaming my ovaries but as most of you ladies know my history, when my body starts working for me it is a miracle and I thank God for that, so now it seems as if it letting me down cos my E2 dropped to "boot level" as my FS put it.

So then we met with our FS yesterday and he is such a sweetie, he explained the whole process to us why it was cancelled as well as the complications involved, I was quite astounded by this discovery. These doctors are really miracle workers, I take my hat off to them. So bottom line is I have wonderful ovaries and they are really working at their peak to make me a mommy, so because they are so amazing with my next IVF cycle they will have to start me on a lower dose of Menopur because I respond so well to the medication. So my body is letting me down after all it seems that they are just as excited as I am to be a mommy. My FS says he will do everything in his power to get me a positive result. Thank you for all the support and kind words, I really have an amazing support system, friends on OPM, my inlaws as well as my own family, you guys don't know how much your support to me.

My Journey to Motherhood

2009-05-29T19:54:00.002+02:00

To all my readers, I have neglected my blog for a while that is because I have been so occuppied with everything else. So I will call this my journey to motherhood, hopefully at the end of this I will be a mommy, hoping to be first time lucky!!!! You see my journey of injecting, mood swings, blood tests and ultrasounds has officially started, IVF might not have been the way I dreamt conceiving a baby a couple years ago but it will be the way I will receive my blessing, a few curve balls in life has lead us down this road of emotional rollercoaster rides, but thanking the Lord above I have the biggest support system many women can only dream of but I am living it, OPM is where the most important women in my life are, they visit on a daily basis and they guide each other through life's toughest decision and when life takes a u-turn they are there every step of the way. Which ever way this might go they will be there with me every step of the way. This IVF has been postponed so many times and now finally a year later it is here and I am so excited, scared but I just want to enjoy this journey and share it with my friends on "OPM".

The countdown Begins

2009-05-14T11:11:00.002+02:00

So it is around the corner and I have mixed emotions, the fear of the unknown. Monday is my first visit to my FS, early morning and to top it all I am writing exams that day! How lucky, but my treatment officially starts next week Thurs/Friday so I am excited and nervous at the same time. The hightlight of my week is the OPM lunch which takes place this Saturday yeah. I am so excited, I can't wait to meet the ladies ooooh hoooo. Well I guess I have a lot of emotions flying around but at the moment the excitement is more dominant at the moment. Next week is crunch time! Please keep us in your prayers I really really want this to be a BFP for us. I pray that God bless us and all you wonderful ladies on OPM.

IVF at last!!!!

2009-04-29T11:25:00.002+02:00

It still feels so unreal, for 3 year and 5 months we have been waiting for this moment..... our first moment, first attempt at a family. To the average person out there this would sound weird but in the infertile world this is what we are accustomed, waiting, more waiting, anxiety and heartache, but somewhere in the equation we should have joy! I think this is our time of joy, we are starting our first IVF attempt next month and it feels like everything is falling into place even though we know the odds, we are over the moon. It has been a difficult 3 years for us but our love has carried us through and it will carry us through this as well. To see the joy in husbands eyes when he speaks about it, I cannot explain it. I will not give up until I am a mom and my husband is a dad. That is my promise to myself and I pray that God blesses us with our little bundle of joy! OPM you have been by my side through all the bad times as well as the good and without you I would have lost my mind. Thank you for always supporting me and for all the guidance, you have become apart of my family and I love you all!

New Hope

2009-03-17T15:31:00.002+02:00

For a while now I have really given up, for the past three months things have really not been looking up for me. Last week wednesday I just broke down because I really don't know how much more I could take. I knew this would be a difficult road to travel but I haven't even started properly and yet there are so many things wrong with me. Everytime we go to hospital all excited to embark on the new journey of IVF, once again we are sent back home further from our dream than what we started a couple of months ago?! So I was at a crossroad, I felt desperate, for the first time in my life I actually felt sorry for my self. Self pity, it's the pits and I was not gonna resort to that, oh hell no! So with the help of my loving husband I get my act together and tell myself, "what must be will be" (actually convincing myself). So the friday we go back and this time I have given up hope completely I am just there to get my results and whatever. To my surprise everything is looking great and yes, wait for it........ we can start IVF! Yipppppeeeeee, but first this lady has to lose 5 kilo's, so yes I am sweating *@SS off and I will lose that 5 kilo's as fast I can because I am so excited just to start the IVF journey. I know that I might be dissappointed but I am a step closer to my goal. And that is to become a "Mother".

The dream is always out of reach

2009-02-06T08:31:00.002+02:00

So finally I go back to my FS after deciding not to proceed with the operation (I just feel that it is not the right time) and now there is something else wrong with me so I have to go for more tests. Who thought going for IVF can become so complicated, I thought we decide we go and we proceed, but let me tell you ladies who are all struggling out there this is a huge highway we travel along and the destination is far, but we must always believe that we will reach that destination. I think I will get me a GARMIN so that I can find my way to that destination. I promise you ladies that I will not give up on my dream of becoming a mother, that is my GIFT from GOD and I want it!!!! I will give up the day I became menopausal as GOD is my witness, HE created us strong individuals and I believe my cross is not too much for me to carry.

2009 is here!

2009-01-05T12:08:00.002+02:00

So my new year started out well this year and I feel confident that this will be a great year for my Husband and I. In 2 months I will have to go for the dreaded op but I have my husband by my side and that is all I need. I feel life has dealt me a bad hand but this year I feel is better, I can feel it emotionally. I feel like I have evolved in a woman and that I am all grown up, sounds silly I know but that is just how my body feels. Weird!!!! I guess that I have put myself in this positive state and that I am doing everything possible to help with becoming a mommy this year that if I fail I will know that I have done everything in power to help the process and that it is God will. 2009 I have welcomed you with open arms, I am not expecting the word, Lord all I ask of you is to make me a mommy! Amen

Why?!!!

2008-12-09T15:30:00.002+02:00

I feel that I am being punished, I just found out over the weekend that my baby sister is pregnant with her second child. I cannot be happy for because she is a terrible mother, she neglects her child and she never has time for him but now she is having a second child and expects me to be happy. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I am struggling, it's because she cannot take of her one child who is 2 years old now, she is lazy and is a stay at home mom. She doesn't like the responsibility of being a mother but she is having another baby. Where is the justice in all this, so she and her husband comes over to our place on saturday and expects us to celebrate this with them. Really could you have not thought that this is not a good time for us. No, because that ever matters is her. I know my turn will come but why does it come so easy to others.

End of the Year Blues

2008-12-02T10:38:00.002+02:00

I feel like everyday at the office is torture, I just want to be at home and rest. This has been a long year and with a couple of hurdles to get over. So 2009 dawn upon me and bring me some good news. Many of us have had a bad year and struggled through this year always keeping Faith, but let's believe that 2009 will be great and that good things will happen. I surely believe that, so I welcome 2009 with open arms and leave all my troubles behind in 2008.

Today is a good day

2008-11-20T12:27:00.002+02:00

Well today is probably the best I felt since the day I found out I had to have my tubes removed! I did some research today about my CONDITION and it is probably the best decision I could have made. For those of you who are in the dark like I was, here is the story. I have blocked tubes and that is called hydrosalpinges (fluid in both tubes) somehow these fluid is toxic and where the cause of my cysts (the bigger ones though) still a PCOS sufferer. Apparently success rate of IVF with my tubes are like so low, firstly it will cause the embryo not to stick to my lining at all, secondly if it should stick the fluid that leaks back in to my tube will cause me to miscarry. So I see the light (still not happy about losing these damn hopeless noodles they call fallopian tubes) but happy to know that it increases my chances of a successful IVF. Well GOD thank you for helping me make the biggest decision of my life and that right one might I add. This is the first time I feel so positive about the whole situation it's just amazing.

Help Needed

2008-11-18T15:37:00.002+02:00

So we started our search for help, and yep we did GSH. Though it is a lengthy procedure we got the ball rolling, okay to cut a long story short: after many blood tests, DH SA test, the results were not positive at all. DH is always was 100%, so there I go feeling sorry for myself again. Me Diagnosed with PCOS and blocked tubes and now my tubes are useless they are actually toxic. Options, well there aint many let me tell you this and ladies this is something you never want your FS to tell you. Well Option number one: We proceed with IVF and take the risk of the fluid leaking back into the womb and toxicate the fetus (don't want that happening now do we), so doc what is my other option. Option Two: Remove the tubes, as in forever gone (no hope of a miracle baby). GOD what did I do? Please stop punishing me? I had to keep myself from tears while sitting in his office with DH next to me. I was so shocked my husband ended up asking all the questions. Bottom line we made the decision, so these hopeless things are going. They have given me so much agony over the years and I always believed that they will deliver, I had Faith in them and they let me down. I made the decision because I don't think either me or DH will be able to handle a miscarriage knowing we made the decision. This February next year I will have my 3 Lap and I will be removing my tubes, I feel like losing part of my womanhood, my fertility and that I am not whole anymore. It is the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life and believe me I am still dealing with it. I have to take it one step at a time and for that I can only thank my wonderful husband and my online friends from OPM. Ladies you have kept me sane and most of us know what it feels like to have thunderstorms in our lives. Thank you and keep on doing what you do best and that is being a wonderful friend. I would also like to thank my older sister who has been there for me in the past few weeks, you have proved to me that even being a fertile mother of 3, you feel my pain, thank you and I love you, your children and your husband. To the rest of my family and husbands family thank you for not judging me and understanding that this is not easy for me and for your patience when I am down.

And the journey continues

2008-11-17T14:39:00.000+02:00

I am continuing my story so that everyone understands where I am right now in my life! My life continue as normal, go every 6 months for a check up and I am cleared everytime. Well then this year I go for my last 6 month check up, and the doctor is quite happy with my progress and then he tells me it is time to plan for a baby, well after the HSG results it was discovered that my right tube is completely blocked. So now I am there at my precious Dr.'s office and I am going for my papsmear. He finishes the smear and now it is time for an internal scan, and what do we have here two damn cysts (one on the right and one on the left). He says well the one on the left is quite small, but the one the right is a bit bigger, I will have to return in 3 months for a check up, not to worry he is sure it will be gone by then, so leave his office a bit flustered by this dreadful news but I keep on repeating his words "I would'nt worry about it too much, I am sure it will be gone soon". So off I go to spread the bad news and make sure to warn everyone that it is nothing to worry about. So exactly 3 months later I return to my favorite place. Sjoe the wait is always a pain, but we sit each and everyone in their own world, most of the women sitting there are pregnant and there sits pathetic me. Eventually it is my turn, and there it is this big round thing 3cm's big, now I am worried and so is my doctor. I get dressed and now we gonna have the talk, what to do next. Well my doctor was ready with what he wanted to say, schedule me next week to have it removed. I feel a bit hot but I listen tentatively to everything his saying, am I listening not sure everything is just happening too fast for me. I calm down and tell myself this is for your own good, nothing to worry about. Now facing the family, I feel my husband thinks I am some kinda freak he married (always something wrong). Once again I find the strength within and I handle my business. Now I have to deal with the darn medical aid. Me and DH spent a few days of calling the medical aid, eventually they agreed to pay a portion, sjoe I am relieved cos this is the last thing I want to worry about when laying on that operating table. So I go in on the 27th May for my 2nd Lap, once again my wonderful husband is by my side every step of the way. I go into theatre at about 5pm not sure what time I came out but damn it was long, feeling very woozie, then I hear the bad news have to stay overnight in hospital. Now let me tell you about that was that one hectic evening. I passed out so many times that night, heaven knows I remembered my name. Well I survived the night and Dh is by my side again the next morning waiting to take me home. Home I need to go home, I hate hospitals and I hate their food (some private hospitals are terrible). Two weeks of misery at home, recovery was very slow for me, so I go back for my check up after 6 weeks and the dr says well it was a normal fluid cyst not cancerous, and I am like phew am I lucky or what! So he says it's time for you to be a mommy, but when he was busy with me he noticed that both my tubes are blocked and the only chance of me falling pregnant will be with IVF. I ask GOD why are you punishing me, what did I do to deserve this. I have overcome all the hurdles you put before me, what do I have to do just to be a mommy? So many women do and get it right on the first try. Here I am 3 years later and nothing nada, just one dissappointment after the other. Please GOD please make me a mommy. So now we are at the end of wits, we don't really have the finances to go to a private clinic because IVF is so damn expensive and what if it doesn't work the first time we will not be able to afford to go again, is this the end for us!

The first challenge

2008-11-17T11:54:00.000+02:00

The year we got married was bliss until 2 months later, earlier that year I went for my first papsmear at the time I was working at a lab. My results came back and there were some abnormalities, nothing to really worry about the doctor said, but I should come for a follow up exam 6 months later. So I did not read much into it cos come on I am the patient and she is the doctor she knows exactly what she is talking about.

So there I find myself 6 months later back on that dreadful table, it passes so quick and I am out of there in no time. A day later the lovely doctor calls me on my cellphone while I am at work and gives me the bad news, she refers me to another gynae and I get an appointment for the same week the friday. So here I am at work all flustered because I had no idea what all of this meant, but I knew it wasn't good at all. So I decide to go to the results department at our lab and ask some ladies for advise there. The lady in charge there refuses to help me and says to speak to my doctor. At this stage ladies I thought oh well no use beating yourself up about it, just relax and wait to speak to this gynae, the worst part of it all is that it is a male uuuurrrrgggghhhh how embarrassing for me. So that friday I go like a good old girl and this man does an internal exam (I hated every second of it). He explains the results to me: I was diagnosed with CINIII (cancerous cells on the cervix), which he will have to remove by doing a laparoscopy, so hey now I am totally stunned with all this information. He says they have to do it as soon as possible because mine has spread fast over the 3 months. So I am scheduled for my first lap in October 2005, a bit nervous but being very brave. So from there I go to work like a brave warrior and pretend that everything is okay and that I can handle it all on my own. My husband calls and wants to know what the doctor says, so I politely tell him that we should speak about it at home.

Eventually I go for the Lap and my husband, mother and sister accompanies me to hospital but half of the time only my husband could be at my bedside. Finally it is my turn to go down that dreaded elevator with two people in scrubs escorting me (pushing my bed). Before I knew it I was out and back in the ward where my husband was patiently waiting with the biggest smile ever. At that moment that was the best thing for me seeing my love there. Everything was okay and I was discharged that same night but not before my gynae paid me a visit to explain how the op went. This was the verdict: he removed part of my cervix sent it to the lab for testing and will wait for the results, but while he was busy he discovered that my tubes were blocked and he worked a bit on them, but as soon as I am well, he will schedule a HSG for me. Not taking anything in yet at this point just saying yes, my husband is at my side and what goes through my head? How is he handling this,what does this mean for us, will I be able to have a baby?

And here my journey begins

2008-11-17T10:55:00.000+02:00

My life as a child wasn't one of the greatest but it has made me the person I am today and for that I am very grateful. There are a few key role players in my life, whom I will not mention but for whom I will be forever grateful.

As a young girl I grew up alone, I missed the best of growing up and that is having my sisters around me. I spent weekends with my mom and sisters but not enough to form a bond with them. So basically I was a loner and from there stemmed my independence, the need to always do things for myself and to depend solely on myself.

Well many years later I had the privilege of meeting my wonderful, sexy husband (that is 7 1/2 years ago), our meeting was like love at first sight, something out of a fairytale. We had many obstacles through our courtship but nothing our love could not overcome and then finally in March of 2005 we moved in together and started our life together, later that year in August we decided that we want to be together forever and got married, the darn best day of my life. I knew from that day forward that I would be the happiest woman on earth and nothing and no one could ever take that away!