Bad Blogger

I have been a really bad blogger this year, even though has been so many things happening in my life this year. This has been an interesting year in life personally and professionally. On the ttc'ing front nothing really happening, good thing is that I have a regular 28 day cycle. My next appointment is on the 24 November, also writing exams on this day. We are hoping to start our 4th IVF in January, hoping and praying that we get the all clear in November. I guess that is all for now!

Mother's Day

Yes to some this is a beautiful day to celebrate all the moms and the sacrifices etc etc. and for some of us this is a very tough day to get through because it is another year passing by and a reminder where you fail in the Fertility. Some reading this right now might think "what a drama queen" but believe me ladies this aint easy and many reading this right now knows exactly what I am speaking about. I do accept a lot of things but it does not mean that it is easy. So yes this is my 4th Failed Mothers Day and it makes me sad, this year my husband made it a bit bearable and for that I thank you MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND! I love you with all my heart, you are my sanity!

Back and Forth

That is how I feel my emotions are sometimes, just when you think that you have reached a point of acceptance, then you stumble and you reach an all time low again. We fight battles everyday of our life and believe me we fight hard and we are triumphant, but there are some battles that breaks us down and you just want to raise that white flag and surrender, but if I surrender I will be giving up on the one thing I have fought so hard for and the one thing each women is entitled to "motherhood". And I ask the question: "Will I ever know the true meaning of motherhood", the answer only God knows and then I tell myself "GOD will provide". It still does not heal the heart completely for I walk everyday with that feeling of "childlessness". When you utter those words, it stabs right through the heart. You walk in a mall and all you see are pregnant women and you feel like never leaving the house, not because you are jealous but for crying out loud, you fighting this battle which is emotionally draining, but do I really have to face so many pregnant women, every freaking second women is pregnant, and I kid you not that is really how it is. Ladies I am not a hater believe me, but for fuck sake one's heart can only handle that much. Sometimes I feel like screaming from the top of my lungs "Please God tell me what to do" and then I feel guilty because I know I am being selfish and I know I am being ungrateful and then I start counting my blessing and you know what AND THEN LIFE GOES ON! Sad but true, we learn to live with the sadness because for one sadness we have 10 blessings! Thank you Almighty for all my Blessings you have bestowed on me today!

Life

I have been through a very difficult time these couple of weeks without knowing how much has been weighing on my shoulders. My marriage has been under threat which brought me to a total meltdown. Life as I knew it would change forever for me, which way forward at the time for me was completely unknown which scared the crap out of me. My husband has been my whole life for the longest time, my pillar of strength, my lover, my friend and most of all THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. For years I lived in a bubble, a bubble I created because of messed up childhood. Scary part I never ever realised it and it almost destroyed the one thing that means the world to me, my marriage. I have been through many trials and tribulations in my life but the one battle I will fight to the end is for my Marriage. My husband loves me dearly and I him, but sometimes ladies we are too blind to see how we live life and how we mirror the past. I finally broke that mirror after 16 years. I will not live in the reflection of my past, I will thank the Almighty for a new day, and a new life for my life has started now because my eyes has opened to the mistakes I made throughout my life because of my painful childhood and most of my adulthood, but I will not let this take over my life because I have found true happiness. I know that I will be blessed with my own family soon and I need to live for the present and forget the past. Here is to the new book of my life that has started just but a couple of days ago. We serve a wonderful God/Allah, He shows us the way in so many ways it is for us to open our eyes to the light.

D-Day

OMW I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown. In Heavens name please tell me why they make us wait so long? I am freaking out big time. I don't know if I should be positive or negative at this moment in time all I know is that it is TORTURE! Please let me out of my misery, either way today BFP or BFN I am going to tjank cos this has really been a long long wait. Thank you ladies for all your prayers and support!