Back and Forth

That is how I feel my emotions are sometimes, just when you think that you have reached a point of acceptance, then you stumble and you reach an all time low again. We fight battles everyday of our life and believe me we fight hard and we are triumphant, but there are some battles that breaks us down and you just want to raise that white flag and surrender, but if I surrender I will be giving up on the one thing I have fought so hard for and the one thing each women is entitled to "motherhood". And I ask the question: "Will I ever know the true meaning of motherhood", the answer only God knows and then I tell myself "GOD will provide". It still does not heal the heart completely for I walk everyday with that feeling of "childlessness". When you utter those words, it stabs right through the heart. You walk in a mall and all you see are pregnant women and you feel like never leaving the house, not because you are jealous but for crying out loud, you fighting this battle which is emotionally draining, but do I really have to face so many pregnant women, every freaking second women is pregnant, and I kid you not that is really how it is. Ladies I am not a hater believe me, but for fuck sake one's heart can only handle that much. Sometimes I feel like screaming from the top of my lungs "Please God tell me what to do" and then I feel guilty because I know I am being selfish and I know I am being ungrateful and then I start counting my blessing and you know what AND THEN LIFE GOES ON! Sad but true, we learn to live with the sadness because for one sadness we have 10 blessings! Thank you Almighty for all my Blessings you have bestowed on me today!

Life

I have been through a very difficult time these couple of weeks without knowing how much has been weighing on my shoulders. My marriage has been under threat which brought me to a total meltdown. Life as I knew it would change forever for me, which way forward at the time for me was completely unknown which scared the crap out of me. My husband has been my whole life for the longest time, my pillar of strength, my lover, my friend and most of all THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. For years I lived in a bubble, a bubble I created because of messed up childhood. Scary part I never ever realised it and it almost destroyed the one thing that means the world to me, my marriage. I have been through many trials and tribulations in my life but the one battle I will fight to the end is for my Marriage. My husband loves me dearly and I him, but sometimes ladies we are too blind to see how we live life and how we mirror the past. I finally broke that mirror after 16 years. I will not live in the reflection of my past, I will thank the Almighty for a new day, and a new life for my life has started now because my eyes has opened to the mistakes I made throughout my life because of my painful childhood and most of my adulthood, but I will not let this take over my life because I have found true happiness. I know that I will be blessed with my own family soon and I need to live for the present and forget the past. Here is to the new book of my life that has started just but a couple of days ago. We serve a wonderful God/Allah, He shows us the way in so many ways it is for us to open our eyes to the light.

D-Day

OMW I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown. In Heavens name please tell me why they make us wait so long? I am freaking out big time. I don't know if I should be positive or negative at this moment in time all I know is that it is TORTURE! Please let me out of my misery, either way today BFP or BFN I am going to tjank cos this has really been a long long wait. Thank you ladies for all your prayers and support!

IVF Meltdown

So last night I had my first meltdown. I am now at 7dp5dt and I think it has just taken it's toll on me. Also on of my fellow OPM ladies who started her IVF same day as I had her transfer a few days before me and she got sad news yesterday of her BFN. When I read her post my heart just sank and it dawned on me that this could happen to me to and now I am scared, so yesterday I was soooo distracted because I kinda felt her pain and it has brought on a new set of fear. So last night DH noticed how distracted I was and begged me to speak to him about my feelings and I just broke down and spoke to him about my fears. I have the most amazing and supportive husband, he put his arms around me and wiped away my tears and told me "It will always be me and you, no matter what happens, I am here for you and we will do this together". He also said that we must have Faith until we get our results and then I can cry. So I realised that I should have Faith and that if it doesn't happen for us this time "Then it is just not our time yet" his words too. My husband is a wiseman but most of all he is just wonderful and supportive and I know with him by my side we can get through anything. I have also had tremendous support from my Cyber friends, it has just been amazing and I don't know how to thank all of you, but you are just amazing. Friday is D-day for us and until then I will take it easy and trust that all will be Okay!

My First ET

So today was the big ET. This could be the first day of the rest of our lives. I am not sure how I feel yet but I know that this could change our life forever and I never been so ready in my life. I pray that we will be Blessed, we have been through a tough two IVF's, this one has been more a walk in the park and it really felt so much better. I have enjoyed this IVF more and took it day by day and now I have to embies implanted in womb and hope that those embies stick and feel right at home! So I have entered the dreaded 2ww and will be testing next week Friday! What a way to start the weekend, either way it will determine what kind of weekend we will be having. I am positive and believe that this could be it for us, and then that nasty little voice creeps and reminds me of my previous IVF's! Life!