It's back again......

Fear..... excitement, I have no idea, but I find myself feeling flustered sometimes....... this journey has had me through so many emotions and at the moment it is thrilling, agonising, nerveracking all in one. Gosh I am trying so hard not to think about it but it is so damn difficult. I find myself counting the days everyday, checking when will ER take place, when will ET take place, damn!!!!! All I know is my heart keeps on breaking when a family member or a friend is pregnant and when I hear a child say "mommy" I feel those tears welling up in my eyes, my thoughts always "will I ever hear those words". I go on everyday pretending that life is normal, i work, I try and be a great wife and that is it. I strive to become a mother and a damn good one but will I ever get the chance to be a mom, I few weeks ago I was sooooo positive, not that I am negative but this journey has so many emotions going at the same time it's just damn crazy that we are all still sane! I consider myself a fairly emotional strong person but ladies that has been tried and tested and I promise you ladies this is tough!!!! I pray that this IVF would be my BFP and that I can be the MOM I longed to be. I pray that all the ladies that are travelling this tough road that you will get that amazing BFP and a healthy pregnancy. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!

AF has finally arrived

Sjoe can you imagine being this excited that AF has arrived and you are trying to conceive? Well this chick is soooooo over the moon because that means it is all systems go for IVF no.2! I am being calm very rational and soooooooo excited to have my handsome Husband stick that needle into my fat belly!!! Whooooohoooooo!!!!!!! I just hope and pray that this would be the start of our new journey! I remember the tears I shed with the last IVF and I think of my renewed HOPE with my 2nd IVF and everything just feels different.

I was really at a crossroads for a good few weeks. I worked out in my mind when the whole process will start because the little experience I gained with my 1st IVF, and to my shock the ER would coincide with my Exams that I am writing in August! So l was left with the painful choice of either postponing my IVF or my EXAMS. And as most of you know both of these are very important to me, how do I decide. I started plotting: Go on BCP and prolong AF so that it can start a bit late, but just now it messes up something for me then what? Sjoe it was tough tough tough, and I thought why is is never easy for me?????

So then ladies I just felt this one I am leaving in the Almighty's hands and HE will steer me in the right direction, if AF starts on the 14th then I will have to cancel either one of the two. And thank the Almighty Above, HE IS THE GREATEST, my AF arrived on the 23rd! So it will not clash with my exams at all and I can stop stressing! To me that is a positive sign! So I am ready to start the journey again on the 14th August!

Blessings!!!!

Tick tick tick......

I am patiently waiting for AF to come! Once AF starts it is all systems go for our 2nd IVF and let me tell you I am all psyched. I am oozing with positivity and I have emotionally preparing for this journey again. Never ever in my life growing up did I ever think that this would be the way I would be conceiving a baby but I am so excited to embark on this journey again and let me tell you I am soooooo ready to be a mom. So come on let's make an IVF baby or two and let's journey the world of parenthood and enjoy the miracle of LIFE! I pray that the Almighty bless us with the most precious gift of LIFE, a little miracle or two. So I am ready to see what the next month or two has in store for me! Let's hope we get the best Anniversary gift, and DH an extra special Birthday gift for his birthday cos he is soooo ready for Fatherhood too. I pray that I can give him the biggest gift ever!

I feel like I am at a crossroads

Here I am again on Saturday all alone, damn this becoming a habit! At the moment I am waiting for AF to start for our 2nd IVF to commence. I have been very patient trying to deal with things as they come, but I feel when one takes another perspective on life and try the whole patience thing it gets even harder, our patience are tested and so is our Faith. I do not wanna lose Faith because it took me very long to have reached this point in my life. So while trying not to focus on ttc'ing so much I feel I need my husband to be here for me to get through this and just make the road a bit easier, but no he has to run off to help his father everytime. I am frustrated and feel that even though I love him very much I can no longer go on this way, someone else always needs him more than I do. What am I doing wrong, I work, I study and I try to make time for us but I have to wait when he is done helping everyone else. What do I do? I can no longer continue this way, I am at the point where I feel like throwing in the towel, what is the use of starting a family if there are so many issues that will never change, is that the reason why we do not have a family yet? Is this a sign from God that we are not ready to be parents yet and we need to sort out the issues in our life, I don't know! I know life isn't easy, I get that, but where does one draw the line? I feel like crying because this makes me so unhappy,, I feel like crying because I am not a mother yet and I feel like crying because I am so confuse. I want sooo much to be a mother, but if things goes on the way it does at the moment I won't be able to survive in this marriage. He is a wonderful husband but he cannot say no, and if he does, 10 minutes later he will call back and say ok he will do it because he feels guilty. What about me? Where is the guilty feeling when I am left at home until he done doing whatever he has to and then just tell me come we going out and I have to be ok and just go and enjoy myself. This is really really hard for me cos this man is the love of my life but when does he draw the line?

Emotions

So here I am again writing on my blog. I have been sitting here and wondering, how do we really deal with this whole ttc'ing, yes we have people that supports us and prays for you and motivates you, but when it comes down to the crunch I sit here and sometimes just feel sorry for myself (let's not forget I hate self pity) but it is so hard not to feel sorry for yourself. I have realised that I am 30 years almost 31 and no children, sometimes it sounds like that is all we think about but come on give me a break, I have the right to feel all those emotions every women feels when they hold their babies for the first time in their arms and explain how it was love at first sight. I want to feel that, I want to look down on something that I know I am so proud of it, the one thing I have done right in my life and no one will ever be able to take that away. I have this little empty space in my heart that gets bigger and bigger as the years pass. Yes I love my husband very much, he is my best friend, but us to produce a little precious that is a part of both of us. I always believed that I was a strong person I will be able to deal with this whole fertility thing because I had to deal with so many shit in my life, but let me tell you that doesn't remotely compare to this journey and I am sure most you will agree with me. We try to go on with our daily lives but it is hard most of us live in a cyber home called OPM because that is the only place we feel we belong amongst the ladies who understands your pain, your longing and your obsession. We eat, breathe and live with this strong urge and longing to become a parent. Some of us have become friends even in the real world because you feel safer amongst those who understand you the most and where you can speak freely to someone who can relate to what you are going through and not just there and say "shame" the whole time and not have a cooking clue what you going through. This road is hard and it is a bumpy road but I have to stay positive because that is the only thing that keeps me from staying sane, and obviously all the Pregnancies on OPM which gives me HOPE. I sometimes find it hard to focus on my career, I wrote to exams in May,they same time we embarked on our 1st IVF and for the life of me I have no idea how I made it through those two subjects but I did and I have to give myself a pat on the back, I aced both of them. I got for both subjects 82 & 83% it is damn big accomplishment, but I find it hard to enjoy that moment ladies because I am successful in my career and studies, but at fertility I suck big time and that is the hardest thing to deal with. I guess we can't have it all right! Anyway enough of me sulking!

Sometimes I wonder

Here I am sitting at home all alone, yes DH has gone to his dad early this morning to help him. You know what makes me angry is that for the past 3 Saturdays he had something to do so I spend my Saturday alone, but I have decided that he should do as he pleases he is a grown man! This sounds so childish I know but there is a lot of history there and I don't even want to get started.

Back to me, I was wondering how my life will be when I am a mother, I have been thinking of a nursery, how I will react, my cats, my DH and our family when we become parents. For 4 years it was just us and soon I pray to GOD soon we could become parents. Do you ever wonder if you are really ready for this, will you be a good mom, will you know what to do, cos this little life depends on you to make the right decisions for him/her and to feed them when they are hungry. Sometimes I just go into this panic attack and I am not even pregnant yet! Ai Life is hard sometimes. Anyway I will go on and dream the dream of becoming a mom and whether I will be good mother, all I can promise right now is that I will love my baby/ies with all my heart.