Bad Blogger

I have been a really bad blogger this year, even though has been so many things happening in my life this year. This has been an interesting year in life personally and professionally. On the ttc'ing front nothing really happening, good thing is that I have a regular 28 day cycle. My next appointment is on the 24 November, also writing exams on this day. We are hoping to start our 4th IVF in January, hoping and praying that we get the all clear in November. I guess that is all for now!

Mother's Day

Yes to some this is a beautiful day to celebrate all the moms and the sacrifices etc etc. and for some of us this is a very tough day to get through because it is another year passing by and a reminder where you fail in the Fertility. Some reading this right now might think "what a drama queen" but believe me ladies this aint easy and many reading this right now knows exactly what I am speaking about. I do accept a lot of things but it does not mean that it is easy. So yes this is my 4th Failed Mothers Day and it makes me sad, this year my husband made it a bit bearable and for that I thank you MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND! I love you with all my heart, you are my sanity!

Back and Forth

That is how I feel my emotions are sometimes, just when you think that you have reached a point of acceptance, then you stumble and you reach an all time low again. We fight battles everyday of our life and believe me we fight hard and we are triumphant, but there are some battles that breaks us down and you just want to raise that white flag and surrender, but if I surrender I will be giving up on the one thing I have fought so hard for and the one thing each women is entitled to "motherhood". And I ask the question: "Will I ever know the true meaning of motherhood", the answer only God knows and then I tell myself "GOD will provide". It still does not heal the heart completely for I walk everyday with that feeling of "childlessness". When you utter those words, it stabs right through the heart. You walk in a mall and all you see are pregnant women and you feel like never leaving the house, not because you are jealous but for crying out loud, you fighting this battle which is emotionally draining, but do I really have to face so many pregnant women, every freaking second women is pregnant, and I kid you not that is really how it is. Ladies I am not a hater believe me, but for fuck sake one's heart can only handle that much. Sometimes I feel like screaming from the top of my lungs "Please God tell me what to do" and then I feel guilty because I know I am being selfish and I know I am being ungrateful and then I start counting my blessing and you know what AND THEN LIFE GOES ON! Sad but true, we learn to live with the sadness because for one sadness we have 10 blessings! Thank you Almighty for all my Blessings you have bestowed on me today!

Life

I have been through a very difficult time these couple of weeks without knowing how much has been weighing on my shoulders. My marriage has been under threat which brought me to a total meltdown. Life as I knew it would change forever for me, which way forward at the time for me was completely unknown which scared the crap out of me. My husband has been my whole life for the longest time, my pillar of strength, my lover, my friend and most of all THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. For years I lived in a bubble, a bubble I created because of messed up childhood. Scary part I never ever realised it and it almost destroyed the one thing that means the world to me, my marriage. I have been through many trials and tribulations in my life but the one battle I will fight to the end is for my Marriage. My husband loves me dearly and I him, but sometimes ladies we are too blind to see how we live life and how we mirror the past. I finally broke that mirror after 16 years. I will not live in the reflection of my past, I will thank the Almighty for a new day, and a new life for my life has started now because my eyes has opened to the mistakes I made throughout my life because of my painful childhood and most of my adulthood, but I will not let this take over my life because I have found true happiness. I know that I will be blessed with my own family soon and I need to live for the present and forget the past. Here is to the new book of my life that has started just but a couple of days ago. We serve a wonderful God/Allah, He shows us the way in so many ways it is for us to open our eyes to the light.

D-Day

OMW I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown. In Heavens name please tell me why they make us wait so long? I am freaking out big time. I don't know if I should be positive or negative at this moment in time all I know is that it is TORTURE! Please let me out of my misery, either way today BFP or BFN I am going to tjank cos this has really been a long long wait. Thank you ladies for all your prayers and support!

IVF Meltdown

So last night I had my first meltdown. I am now at 7dp5dt and I think it has just taken it's toll on me. Also on of my fellow OPM ladies who started her IVF same day as I had her transfer a few days before me and she got sad news yesterday of her BFN. When I read her post my heart just sank and it dawned on me that this could happen to me to and now I am scared, so yesterday I was soooo distracted because I kinda felt her pain and it has brought on a new set of fear. So last night DH noticed how distracted I was and begged me to speak to him about my feelings and I just broke down and spoke to him about my fears. I have the most amazing and supportive husband, he put his arms around me and wiped away my tears and told me "It will always be me and you, no matter what happens, I am here for you and we will do this together". He also said that we must have Faith until we get our results and then I can cry. So I realised that I should have Faith and that if it doesn't happen for us this time "Then it is just not our time yet" his words too. My husband is a wiseman but most of all he is just wonderful and supportive and I know with him by my side we can get through anything. I have also had tremendous support from my Cyber friends, it has just been amazing and I don't know how to thank all of you, but you are just amazing. Friday is D-day for us and until then I will take it easy and trust that all will be Okay!

My First ET

So today was the big ET. This could be the first day of the rest of our lives. I am not sure how I feel yet but I know that this could change our life forever and I never been so ready in my life. I pray that we will be Blessed, we have been through a tough two IVF's, this one has been more a walk in the park and it really felt so much better. I have enjoyed this IVF more and took it day by day and now I have to embies implanted in womb and hope that those embies stick and feel right at home! So I have entered the dreaded 2ww and will be testing next week Friday! What a way to start the weekend, either way it will determine what kind of weekend we will be having. I am positive and believe that this could be it for us, and then that nasty little voice creeps and reminds me of my previous IVF's! Life!

Today was my long awaited ER

This is the one day I dreaded for sooo long, it felt like dejavu today lying on that bed in theatre staring at the ceiling and all these people around me. I must say this time that anesthetic felt like it took forever and then suddenly I felt my eyes start rolling, all I heard the Dr say is keep your eyes open for as long as you can, and then I was gone. OMW it was really terrifying for me, praying all the while that I will get some eggies out of these poor overworked ovaries. I must say that I am very proud of them, they produces 10 follies where 17mm, 18mm, 19mm. In total they retrieved 6 eggs which I am so proud of, some might think they are little my FS said they would want to get between 5 - 8 and so I gave them 6 :) and I am so proud of these ovaries cos they did not let me down this time around. So now we are praying that all of them Fertilise and produce some beautiful embabies. I have received so much support from soooo many wonderful friends and family. Without that support I don't know where I would have been throughout this IVF cycle. Thank you for always supporting me!!! I have never seen DH smile so much to see me when I wake up looking like the Bride of Frankenstein, me as usual made a complete poephol of myself, cos one of the theatre sisters told me that I spoke while I was under and just before I came around but lucky for me they could not make out what I was saying! So the praying continues for those eggies to fertilise so that we can have beautiful embabies to put back and grow for Mommy!

Tomorrow Day 6 scan

So I am now on day 5 of Menopur and tomorrow will be my first bloods and scan. Sjoe I pray that this time everything just goes smoothly. Not nervous yet but it will probably happen in the morning! I feel some movements in the left ovary but I could be imagining it! Let's see what the scan shows tomorrow!

IVF Journey no.3

So I have started with my 3rd IVF, had my Zoladex shot last week Wednesday, have a nice purple/blue bruise to prove it. This time I am dealing with my IVF so differently, I won't say that I am prepared for everything but I think this time I more aware of what can go wrong. I don't believe you can ever be prepared for these treatments because no matter what we say when we start this journey we believe that we will end with a baby in our arms nine months later. That is what I believed both times, this time too, but this time I started my IVF with positive energy. I took a 3 month break and had enough time to think about this whole journey and so far I have really just taken it one step and one day at a time and it feels great. This time I pray that the journey will end successful. I have Faith and Trust in our God/Allah and know that He will Bless us!

Terrible Blogger

It has been a while since I wrote on blog. Let me take this opportunity to congratulate all the new moms and the new preggie ladies. Your dreams and wishes has come true.

I have started on my journey on IVF number 3 and I am all excited and happy again. I pray that 2010 will be our year and that we will be blessed with our little bundle of Joy. I have Faith and Believe our Merciful God sees our pain and all in His time. I pray that our time is now, if not I will pray for strength and start all over again! With the support of my Fellow TTC, Preggie, Mommies etc. I will make it through.