Emotions

So here I am again writing on my blog. I have been sitting here and wondering, how do we really deal with this whole ttc'ing, yes we have people that supports us and prays for you and motivates you, but when it comes down to the crunch I sit here and sometimes just feel sorry for myself (let's not forget I hate self pity) but it is so hard not to feel sorry for yourself. I have realised that I am 30 years almost 31 and no children, sometimes it sounds like that is all we think about but come on give me a break, I have the right to feel all those emotions every women feels when they hold their babies for the first time in their arms and explain how it was love at first sight. I want to feel that, I want to look down on something that I know I am so proud of it, the one thing I have done right in my life and no one will ever be able to take that away. I have this little empty space in my heart that gets bigger and bigger as the years pass. Yes I love my husband very much, he is my best friend, but us to produce a little precious that is a part of both of us. I always believed that I was a strong person I will be able to deal with this whole fertility thing because I had to deal with so many shit in my life, but let me tell you that doesn't remotely compare to this journey and I am sure most you will agree with me. We try to go on with our daily lives but it is hard most of us live in a cyber home called OPM because that is the only place we feel we belong amongst the ladies who understands your pain, your longing and your obsession. We eat, breathe and live with this strong urge and longing to become a parent. Some of us have become friends even in the real world because you feel safer amongst those who understand you the most and where you can speak freely to someone who can relate to what you are going through and not just there and say "shame" the whole time and not have a cooking clue what you going through. This road is hard and it is a bumpy road but I have to stay positive because that is the only thing that keeps me from staying sane, and obviously all the Pregnancies on OPM which gives me HOPE. I sometimes find it hard to focus on my career, I wrote to exams in May,they same time we embarked on our 1st IVF and for the life of me I have no idea how I made it through those two subjects but I did and I have to give myself a pat on the back, I aced both of them. I got for both subjects 82 & 83% it is damn big accomplishment, but I find it hard to enjoy that moment ladies because I am successful in my career and studies, but at fertility I suck big time and that is the hardest thing to deal with. I guess we can't have it all right! Anyway enough of me sulking!