Why?!!!

I feel that I am being punished, I just found out over the weekend that my baby sister is pregnant with her second child. I cannot be happy for because she is a terrible mother, she neglects her child and she never has time for him but now she is having a second child and expects me to be happy. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I am struggling, it's because she cannot take of her one child who is 2 years old now, she is lazy and is a stay at home mom. She doesn't like the responsibility of being a mother but she is having another baby. Where is the justice in all this, so she and her husband comes over to our place on saturday and expects us to celebrate this with them. Really could you have not thought that this is not a good time for us. No, because that ever matters is her. I know my turn will come but why does it come so easy to others.

End of the Year Blues

I feel like everyday at the office is torture, I just want to be at home and rest. This has been a long year and with a couple of hurdles to get over. So 2009 dawn upon me and bring me some good news. Many of us have had a bad year and struggled through this year always keeping Faith, but let's believe that 2009 will be great and that good things will happen. I surely believe that, so I welcome 2009 with open arms and leave all my troubles behind in 2008.

Today is a good day

Well today is probably the best I felt since the day I found out I had to have my tubes removed! I did some research today about my CONDITION and it is probably the best decision I could have made. For those of you who are in the dark like I was, here is the story. I have blocked tubes and that is called hydrosalpinges (fluid in both tubes) somehow these fluid is toxic and where the cause of my cysts (the bigger ones though) still a PCOS sufferer. Apparently success rate of IVF with my tubes are like so low, firstly it will cause the embryo not to stick to my lining at all, secondly if it should stick the fluid that leaks back in to my tube will cause me to miscarry. So I see the light (still not happy about losing these damn hopeless noodles they call fallopian tubes) but happy to know that it increases my chances of a successful IVF. Well GOD thank you for helping me make the biggest decision of my life and that right one might I add. This is the first time I feel so positive about the whole situation it's just amazing.

Help Needed

So we started our search for help, and yep we did GSH. Though it is a lengthy procedure we got the ball rolling, okay to cut a long story short: after many blood tests, DH SA test, the results were not positive at all. DH is always was 100%, so there I go feeling sorry for myself again. Me Diagnosed with PCOS and blocked tubes and now my tubes are useless they are actually toxic. Options, well there aint many let me tell you this and ladies this is something you never want your FS to tell you. Well Option number one: We proceed with IVF and take the risk of the fluid leaking back into the womb and toxicate the fetus (don't want that happening now do we), so doc what is my other option. Option Two: Remove the tubes, as in forever gone (no hope of a miracle baby). GOD what did I do? Please stop punishing me? I had to keep myself from tears while sitting in his office with DH next to me. I was so shocked my husband ended up asking all the questions. Bottom line we made the decision, so these hopeless things are going. They have given me so much agony over the years and I always believed that they will deliver, I had Faith in them and they let me down. I made the decision because I don't think either me or DH will be able to handle a miscarriage knowing we made the decision. This February next year I will have my 3 Lap and I will be removing my tubes, I feel like losing part of my womanhood, my fertility and that I am not whole anymore. It is the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life and believe me I am still dealing with it. I have to take it one step at a time and for that I can only thank my wonderful husband and my online friends from OPM. Ladies you have kept me sane and most of us know what it feels like to have thunderstorms in our lives. Thank you and keep on doing what you do best and that is being a wonderful friend. I would also like to thank my older sister who has been there for me in the past few weeks, you have proved to me that even being a fertile mother of 3, you feel my pain, thank you and I love you, your children and your husband. To the rest of my family and husbands family thank you for not judging me and understanding that this is not easy for me and for your patience when I am down.

And the journey continues

I am continuing my story so that everyone understands where I am right now in my life! My life continue as normal, go every 6 months for a check up and I am cleared everytime. Well then this year I go for my last 6 month check up, and the doctor is quite happy with my progress and then he tells me it is time to plan for a baby, well after the HSG results it was discovered that my right tube is completely blocked. So now I am there at my precious Dr.'s office and I am going for my papsmear. He finishes the smear and now it is time for an internal scan, and what do we have here two damn cysts (one on the right and one on the left). He says well the one on the left is quite small, but the one the right is a bit bigger, I will have to return in 3 months for a check up, not to worry he is sure it will be gone by then, so leave his office a bit flustered by this dreadful news but I keep on repeating his words "I would'nt worry about it too much, I am sure it will be gone soon". So off I go to spread the bad news and make sure to warn everyone that it is nothing to worry about. So exactly 3 months later I return to my favorite place. Sjoe the wait is always a pain, but we sit each and everyone in their own world, most of the women sitting there are pregnant and there sits pathetic me. Eventually it is my turn, and there it is this big round thing 3cm's big, now I am worried and so is my doctor. I get dressed and now we gonna have the talk, what to do next. Well my doctor was ready with what he wanted to say, schedule me next week to have it removed. I feel a bit hot but I listen tentatively to everything his saying, am I listening not sure everything is just happening too fast for me. I calm down and tell myself this is for your own good, nothing to worry about. Now facing the family, I feel my husband thinks I am some kinda freak he married (always something wrong). Once again I find the strength within and I handle my business. Now I have to deal with the darn medical aid. Me and DH spent a few days of calling the medical aid, eventually they agreed to pay a portion, sjoe I am relieved cos this is the last thing I want to worry about when laying on that operating table. So I go in on the 27th May for my 2nd Lap, once again my wonderful husband is by my side every step of the way. I go into theatre at about 5pm not sure what time I came out but damn it was long, feeling very woozie, then I hear the bad news have to stay overnight in hospital. Now let me tell you about that was that one hectic evening. I passed out so many times that night, heaven knows I remembered my name. Well I survived the night and Dh is by my side again the next morning waiting to take me home. Home I need to go home, I hate hospitals and I hate their food (some private hospitals are terrible). Two weeks of misery at home, recovery was very slow for me, so I go back for my check up after 6 weeks and the dr says well it was a normal fluid cyst not cancerous, and I am like phew am I lucky or what! So he says it's time for you to be a mommy, but when he was busy with me he noticed that both my tubes are blocked and the only chance of me falling pregnant will be with IVF. I ask GOD why are you punishing me, what did I do to deserve this. I have overcome all the hurdles you put before me, what do I have to do just to be a mommy? So many women do and get it right on the first try. Here I am 3 years later and nothing nada, just one dissappointment after the other. Please GOD please make me a mommy. So now we are at the end of wits, we don't really have the finances to go to a private clinic because IVF is so damn expensive and what if it doesn't work the first time we will not be able to afford to go again, is this the end for us!

The first challenge

The year we got married was bliss until 2 months later, earlier that year I went for my first papsmear at the time I was working at a lab. My results came back and there were some abnormalities, nothing to really worry about the doctor said, but I should come for a follow up exam 6 months later. So I did not read much into it cos come on I am the patient and she is the doctor she knows exactly what she is talking about.

So there I find myself 6 months later back on that dreadful table, it passes so quick and I am out of there in no time. A day later the lovely doctor calls me on my cellphone while I am at work and gives me the bad news, she refers me to another gynae and I get an appointment for the same week the friday. So here I am at work all flustered because I had no idea what all of this meant, but I knew it wasn't good at all. So I decide to go to the results department at our lab and ask some ladies for advise there. The lady in charge there refuses to help me and says to speak to my doctor. At this stage ladies I thought oh well no use beating yourself up about it, just relax and wait to speak to this gynae, the worst part of it all is that it is a male uuuurrrrgggghhhh how embarrassing for me. So that friday I go like a good old girl and this man does an internal exam (I hated every second of it). He explains the results to me: I was diagnosed with CINIII (cancerous cells on the cervix), which he will have to remove by doing a laparoscopy, so hey now I am totally stunned with all this information. He says they have to do it as soon as possible because mine has spread fast over the 3 months. So I am scheduled for my first lap in October 2005, a bit nervous but being very brave. So from there I go to work like a brave warrior and pretend that everything is okay and that I can handle it all on my own. My husband calls and wants to know what the doctor says, so I politely tell him that we should speak about it at home.

Eventually I go for the Lap and my husband, mother and sister accompanies me to hospital but half of the time only my husband could be at my bedside. Finally it is my turn to go down that dreaded elevator with two people in scrubs escorting me (pushing my bed). Before I knew it I was out and back in the ward where my husband was patiently waiting with the biggest smile ever. At that moment that was the best thing for me seeing my love there. Everything was okay and I was discharged that same night but not before my gynae paid me a visit to explain how the op went. This was the verdict: he removed part of my cervix sent it to the lab for testing and will wait for the results, but while he was busy he discovered that my tubes were blocked and he worked a bit on them, but as soon as I am well, he will schedule a HSG for me. Not taking anything in yet at this point just saying yes, my husband is at my side and what goes through my head? How is he handling this,what does this mean for us, will I be able to have a baby?

And here my journey begins

My life as a child wasn't one of the greatest but it has made me the person I am today and for that I am very grateful. There are a few key role players in my life, whom I will not mention but for whom I will be forever grateful.

As a young girl I grew up alone, I missed the best of growing up and that is having my sisters around me. I spent weekends with my mom and sisters but not enough to form a bond with them. So basically I was a loner and from there stemmed my independence, the need to always do things for myself and to depend solely on myself.

Well many years later I had the privilege of meeting my wonderful, sexy husband (that is 7 1/2 years ago), our meeting was like love at first sight, something out of a fairytale. We had many obstacles through our courtship but nothing our love could not overcome and then finally in March of 2005 we moved in together and started our life together, later that year in August we decided that we want to be together forever and got married, the darn best day of my life. I knew from that day forward that I would be the happiest woman on earth and nothing and no one could ever take that away!